Practicing self-compassion

We tend to have an easier time offering compassion to others - to a friend who is going through something hard - and we tend to have a harder time offering compassion to ourselves. 

This is because we tend to be harder on ourselves - more self-critical and self-judgemental. Many of us have strong, critical inner dialogs happening in our heads that may sound like this: 

You’re broken. You’re not good enough. There’s something wrong with you.

This type of harsh, self-critical inner dialog is something that our larger cultural narrative promotes: the idea that being hard on ourselves will motivate us to push through and achieve more, and that being compassionate with ourselves will make us soft or weak.

Yet, we have a growing body of research helping us understand that self-compassion is associated with less depression, less anxiety, less stress and with more happiness, optimism and resilience.

Whereas being self-critical tends to trigger anxiety, depression and shame. 

So how do we train ourselves to be less self-critical and offer ourselves self-compassion?

It takes practice. 

Kristen Neff is a leading researcher in self-compassion and she has created a model to help us practice self-compassion in three parts: 

1. Mindfulness. This is about being present with and validating the challenge we are navigating. It is about not ignoring or avoiding but instead noticing, naming, and feeling into. It might sound like this: 

You’re feeling really stressed right now.

2. Common Humanity. This is about reminding ourselves that whatever difficulties we face, it is a part of the human experience and we are not alone. It might sound like this: 

Feeling stressed is a normal part of the human experience. We all go through it. 

3. Self-Kindness. This is about offering ourselves kind words. I like to think of a kind elder who would offer just the right heartwarming words providing comfort and encouragement. It might sound like this: 

May you remember that you’re going to be okay. You’ll find your way through this. 

The best way to come to understand self-compassion is by experiencing it.

Here is a short self-compassion practice (only 7 minutes). 

Give it a try and feel in your own body the healing effects of self-compassion. 

Here’s to learning and practicing together!